The Definitive Guide To Air Travel

Check in early. Use CLEAR. Stay hydrated. Bring hand sanitizer. Consolidate credit card and hotel points. Thanks Points Guy or USA Today; should I be taking notes?

Simply put, there’s nothing glamorous or exciting about commercial air travel, especially domestically in the US. And it would appear that COVID has broken people’s brains. It’s like people forgot how to fly.

So I thought I’d share with you the accumulated wisdom of my years traversing the globe — a definitive guide to making air travel palatable for you and those around you:

1. Get the airport early. Be in control. Never stress. Have a few drinks at a leisurely pace.

2. Never drive yourself to the airport if your flight is over two hours. Odds are, you’ll be getting off the return flight smashed.

3. It’s expensive to fly cheap. Never fly an airline where your checked bags might cost more than your seat. The experience sucks and you don’t actually save much - least of all, time.

4. Only use Frequent Flyer miles for upgrades on international flights.

5. If you get stuck with a middle seat, take the next flight.

6. Unless it’s to a remote island, when possible, the word “Connection” should not appear on your itinerary.

7. Don’t check bags, but if you must, make sure you use AirTags that are secure. Maybe throw one in your wife’s tennis bag while you’re at it.

8. Buy expensive luggage. It should last a lifetime, come with free repairs, and be easy to identify on a conveyor.

9. Wear pants (never shorts) and a jacket with zipper pockets. Put all your stuff in the pockets before the x-ray machine.

10. Spare change should never be the reason for holding up the security line. Just don’t ever keep change, period.

11. Wear TSA-friendly shoes. If you show up to airport security in Converse high tops, you’re an asshole.

12. Skip the lounge on domestic flights. They’re inconveniently located and overcrowded with Willy Loman types and sadly-entitled Amex cardholders. The food sucks, and the free drinks are cheap.

13. Most airports now have (relatively) nice restaurants closer to gates, with high prices that keep the riffraff out, and ample outlets.

14. Take advantage of the #1 rule of air travel: no matter what time it is, it’s always acceptable to drink.

15. Don’t waste your time with Starbucks. It’s where all the amateurs are.

16. If you buy something and the cashier flips around a tablet, be prepared to tip for something you never have to tip for anywhere else. (A 20% tip for a bottled water and gum?)

17. Find the less-trafficked bathrooms. The ones close to the gates get destroyed by disembarking passengers.

18. Moisturize your face.

19. Fill a to-go coffee cup with alcohol before you board.

20. Board last. Don’t fight the frequent flyers with priority boarding - middle-aged, middle class men (who would cheat on their wives if only they could) flying economy in their pleated slacks and golf shirts. Let them shine at the airport. It’s all they have.

21. No first class selfies or Instagram pics from the Centurion lounge. Act like you’ve been there before.

22. Don’t wear a mask. Planes have HEPA filters similar to those used in hospital operating rooms. It’s the cleanest air you breathed all day.

23. Never ask me to trade seats, unless you’re offering an equal or better seat. I don’t care what the reason is; plan ahead or shut up.

24. It’s a Boeing, not an Antonov. You don’t need huge noise-canceling earphones. AirPods work fine.

25. The exit row is first class for poor people.

26. Don’t use the WiFi. It’s slow and you’ll end up doing exactly what you do at your desk. Watch a movie, read a short classic you can finish on the flight, listen to an instructive audio book that lulls you to sleep, or tune out and shut off for awhile.

27. Unless you are flying first class internationally, never eat the food.

28. Bloody Mary’s sound awesome, but the sodium is a killer at high altitudes.

29. Still think Gucci and Louis Vuitton purses are nice? Just count how many you see in Economy class.

30. If the flight is less than four hours and you have to relieve your bowels, you’re an idiot.

31. If you bring a favorite pillow from home, I’m assuming you had an abortion in high school.

32. Be nice to the stewardess; she got drunk and passed out at the Midway Hotel in Newark last night.

33. If there is a male steward, always keep your seat belt buckled. You don’t want him with his hands in your lap when you are passed out before landing.

34. I already have enough friends, don’t talk to me. And I don’t want your business card either.

35. When you squeeze by me to get up, don’t give me the ass or the crotch; just don’t get up. If you must, allow me time to move into the aisle to make way for you.

36. When flying internationally, befriend one of the male stewards. They know the best clubs and how to get drugs.

37. The easiest way to figure out if a girlfriend is marriage material is if she brings a hairdryer in her suitcase. You know she’s never seen the inside of a Four Seasons.

38. Sorry, if it’s got propellers, it doesn’t count as a private plane.

39. When you land, if you have checked bags, stop at a bar and have a drink on your way to baggage claim.

40. Don’t leave home without Ciprofloxacin… and Temazepam, Lorazepam, and Klonopin.

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John LeFevre is the creator of @GSElevator and the author of the New York Times bestselling book, Amazon Book of the Month, and TIME Book of the summer, Straight To Hell: True Tales of Deviance, Debauchery, And Billion-Dollar Deals.